Walking Disasters
by i'llbeinwonderland
Summary: Noah Puckerman wakes up one morning with two gay dads and a color-coded underwear drawer. So if he's living her life, who's living his? And what happened to everyone else?
1. This Is Not Mine

**Hello Lovely Readers. This little story idea WILL NOT leave my brain, so here we go. **

**AN: This story is set at the beginning of Season 2, but Matt never left and Sam never came. **

**Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Ugh. Where the hell is that light coming from? It was probably Hannah. Damn brat opened my curtains again.<em>

Puck rolled back over in his bed. Mondays were always the worst in his opinion, and his loser peers considered his opinion gold, so that meant that Mondays were like hell with never ending elevator music and long ass lines.

_Hmm… these sheets smell nice. Ma must have washed them. That means she wants me to do something. Fuck. _

Puck regretfully sat up, not wanting to really leave the bed yet; but if he was going to make it to his 10 o'clock nap in the nurse's office, he better hustle. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, Puck looked around and wondered if he was still dreaming.

Where the hell was his stuff? He usually scattered clothes and other various items throughout his room. The walls were also bare, his nudie and car posters? Nowhere in sight. And was that a calculator on his desk, and a textbook?

This had his ma written all over it. She was always complaining about the toxic waste dump that was his room. He honestly wasn't that surprised that she finally did something about it, he just hadn't expected it to be done, you know, _overnight._

_Maybe she's worried about something. She cleans when she's worried right? Or is it baking… whatever. She's still been acting spacey…_

Puck sighed and figured whatever was going on with his mom and her cleaning vendetta, it could to be addressed tonight. Right now, he needed to go.

He jumped in the shower and then spent twenty minutes trying to find his clothes in his drawers that had suddenly become color and fabric coded.

_Dammit, Ma._

Since he had about ten minutes before the nurse started to look in his classrooms for him, he didn't question the insane neatness or cleanliness of his room. Instead he grabbed his backpack which seemed to have gotten ten pounds heavier, like there were actual books in there. Weird. Puck flew out the door when he saw a note on his extremely clean kitchen counter.

_Noah, I noticed that you did not pack a lunch for today, so here is some money for food. Don't be mad, but I let you sleep late. You just looked so peaceful. _

There wasn't a name on the note, and it didn't really seem like something his ma would do. Puck looked down at the money and counted thirty bucks.

_What the hell, ma? I never pack a lunch. And money doesn't grow on trees woman, Jesus. And I sleep late every day! Lady is officially going batshit. _

Puck pocketed the cash, because, c'mon, if she didn't want him to have it, she wouldn't have given it to him!

He grabbed his keys off some new key dish by some new table by the door. Someone in the family must've died or something. All this new shit was freaking him out.

Puck locked the door behind him, and when he turned around his jaw dropped. Parked on the street was a brand new Chevy sitting in front of his house.

_I hate those people who think they can park here! This is my house, motherfucker!_

He clicked his car keys and looked around for his old beat up piece of shit. And then, a miracle.

The Perfect Car's doors unlocked. Que the singing angles.

Puck hopped in the truck, figuring his ma must have taken his to the shop and got this as the rental. Smart woman.

Suddenly, Puck couldn't get to school fast enough to show off his hot new wheels, even if he wasn't keeping them.

On the way to school, he ended up getting turned around and passing his house, which was crazy because he drove the exact same route every morning. He could do it with his eyes closed.

When he finally rolled up to the school, there were people walking through the quad, so he figured second period had just been let out.

Sauntering up to the school like the badass motherfucker he was, he saw Quinn walking towards him. Only, walking may not have been the best word. Puck saw her stumble twice and she was moving at an incredibly slow pace. She had her Cheerios uniform on and a dopey look on her face. She smiled goofily at him and waved.

Puck turned around to look and see if Finn or another Cheerio was behind him. Quinn _never _talked to him unless it was to bitch about her baby weight she still couldn't shed after having recently given birth to their daughter who she didn't really seem to give a fuck about.

_Well… no one else is around so maybe she's high. Yeah that's probably it. She's high!_

Puck just continued walking, not really wanting to get involved in Quinn's antics today. While walking through the school doors, he missed the disappointed look that passed over her face.

The next person he saw nearly made him pass out.

Artie was walking down the hall towards a classroom that Puck was standing by. _Walking. _He had some freaky Goth makeup on his face and piercings in his nose and lip.

_What the hell...?_ Puck pinched himself a couple of more times and shut his eyes, hoping he would wake up back in his bed.

When he opened them he saw a very un-gay, chain sporting Kurt also heading for the classroom.

_This has got to be a dream._

And them he saw _her. _

She was coming towards him down the hall in a Cheerio skirt that flounced further and further up her tanned legs with each step. Her dark hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail that was swaying side to side, viciously hitting anyone's shoulder that was too close. She had her perfect red lips wrapped around the straw of a grape slushie, sucking on it like she was doing it a favor.

_Hot as fucking hell. _

She flounced right up to him, still sucking that straw. Puck tried to smirk at her, but couldn't seem to wipe the stunned look off his face.

"Hey, Rachel," Puck stammered. _Oh fuck. That mouth. _

"What did you just call me, Freakaleak?" Rachel asked sweetly, cocking her head to the side.

Puck chose to ignore the nickname. "Um… Rachel?"

Rachel raised an eyebrow and pulled her straw out of the drink, licking the excess slushie off the end.

Puck was so mesmerized by this action that he didn't notice when she pulled back her arm and launched the purple drink all over him.

The laughter didn't even register in Puck's head, because Rachel was leaning up to whisper into his slushie-covered ear. "It's 'B' to you, Puckerman."

_This _has_ to be a seriously fucked up dream._

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><p><strong>Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Review!<strong>

**THIS IS PUCKLEBERRY! I pinky swear. **

**If you like this, I bet you'll like my other stories too. (I love to self-promote. It rocks.)**

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**xoxo Brooke**


	2. I'm Not Dreaming?

**Thanks so much for all the reviews, alerts, and favorites! Ya'll rock. Enjoy!**

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><p>"What the fuck, Berry?" Puck roared. He could've sworn he saw a flash of fear behind her eyes before they narrowed into slits.<p>

"I'm top dog around here, dipshit. You are dating Quinn, what happened doesn't change anything." Rachel stuck her nose into the air, tossed the slushie cup at his feet and flounced back down the hallway.

"I'm not dating Quinn!" he yelled after her. _Why in the hell would I be dating Quinn? What happened? And why is Rachel breaking into my locker? What the hell is going on?_

Puck began to wipe the purple slush out of his eyes when a blonde Cheerio started to sniffle behind him. "You're not?"

"No! That bitch is- " As Puck turned to face whoever asked the question. Quinn was standing at the entrance to the classroom Puck had seen her walking towards. "Why would we be dating? After Beth you wanted nothing to do with me!"

This statement paused the tears welling in Quinn's eyes. "Who is Beth?"

Puck could do nothing but look at her. "Umm... the baby? Ring any fucking bells, you frigid bitch?"

Quinn studied him with a confused expression. Her face suddenly lit up. "Oh, you mean Ben, right? And I told you I loved you at Regionals!"

"Who the fuck is Ben? And I told you I loved you and you said nothing back! You wouldn't even tell Shelby her name was Beth!" Puck didn't realize until that moment how good that felt to say. "Any love I felt for you was gone when Beth was gone."

"Are you sick, Noah? I can take you to the nurse if you want?" Quinn tried to grab his hand, but he pulled it away.

"No! I want some fucking answers! Am I being Punk'd?" Puck looked around for one of the Gleeks filming or something. "This is not funny!"

Quinn tried to take his hand again. "Noah, I think you are seriously sick. You aren't using any big words cause I've actually been able to listen to this conversation, and you're cursing a lot. Let's go to the nurse. She is so nice and always gives me lollipops. "

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Puck screamed.

Tina rolled up to the pair, sporting glasses, suspenders, and a wheelchair. "Oh what da hell, Noah?" Puck's eyes bulged and he stumbled backwards, away from the Cheerio and the Asian girl.

"You don't call me Noah! Only Rachel…" And that was the last thing Puck remembered before blacking out.

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><p>"When will our little divo be waking up?"<p>

Puck heard the voice coming from behind him. He shifted his weight a little trying to figure out where he was. Feeling a thin layer of paper separating him from the small cot he was on, Puck figured he must be in the nurse's office.

_How the fuck did I get… Oh shit. Was that not a dream?_

Puck tried to jog his memory for when he actually showed up at school, but all he could remember was the strange dream he had had.

_That couldn't have been real, right?_

"Well, I'm guessing any minute now. He already slept off most of the day." Puck recognized this voice as belonging to the nurse. He and the little old lady were becoming very good friends.

Puck listened as the door shut. The nurse must have left him alone with whoever was in the room with him right now.

"Mr. Thang is gonna be all depressed when he wakes up. Did you hear about what happened when he dumped Quinn?" That sounded like Kurt. _What is wrong with his accent? He sounds like he grew up in Lima Heights. _

"Oh good god of Gucci. Please share." _Mercedes? What is she doing here?_

"Finn found the little miss pounding a wall outside the caf. He manipulated her into dating again."

"Omigod! So have the king and queen taken their titles back?"

"It looks that way."

_Oh shit. Rachel is gonna be so upset… but wait… she and Finn weren't dating? Oh fuck… am I supposed to be _Rachel_? But if I'm her, why did she… she's me! Rachel is me! But I wouldn't slushie her now. What the fuck is going on?_

"I wonder how B is doing? I'm sure she can't be happy with her baby daddy moving on so fast."

"Well when Finn was living with me because of the whole Babygate scandal, B only really seemed to come around for the baby's sake. From the eavesdropping I did on their arguments, she just wanted a father for her baby. Finn always acted a little iffy on the role and kept insisting on adoption, so when Ben was born that's what they did. I don't think B actually loved that white boy, just her baby."

Puck's stomach churned. He knew that story. That's what happened to him and Quinn. _So if Rachel is me, then Finn must be Quinn, which makes Quinn Finn?_

Puck's head hurt. He just wanted to go back to his life, where _he _was Puck. _What happened anyways? _Puck tried to think back. For some reason he couldn't seem to remember yesterday. _What the fuck happened to me?_

Puck grunted and decided to pause the other Gleeks' conversation.

"What the fuck is going on?" Puck rubbed his head and looked at Mercedes and Kurt who were gapping at him wide eyed. Mercedes had on some fluffy top and weird pants with giant boots. Kurt also had on an outfit that did not match his usual ensembles.

"Noah! Cursing! Really, your starting to sound like B!" Mercedes slapped his leg. "Speaking of, why don't you clue us in on the showdown in the hall today. You must have made her so angry to slushie you again."

Kurt nodded his head. "Spill, boy."

"Wha- I don't- why are you guys here?" Puck looked between the two.

Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Who else would be here silly?"

_I don't know, my _friends _maybe? Oh wait, I'm Rachel now… these are my friends. But they don't seem like- Oh shit! They are switched too!_

Puck wanted to test his newest theory. "Rachel and her smoken' hot bod, I wish."

Mercedes looked scandalized. "Divo, while I'm sure we've all had a wet dream or two about that pair of legs, she is definitely not your biggest fan at the moment. Which you still have yet explained!"

_Knew it. Switching with Kurt makes her a lesbian. Pat on the back for you Puckerman. _Puck smirked at the pair content with his new knowledge. "I honestly can't tell ya, dudes. Chick is wack and I can't remember anything from yesterday."

"Noah did you experiment with alcohol again?" Kurt studied him, waiting for an answer.

"Nope," Puck stood up and stretched. "Let's head to class, kids."

Mercedes rolled her eyes and looked at her diamond-studded watch. "Well, you slept through the whole day. Off to Glee I suppose? Someone is performing for the where-are-you-in-life assignment Shue gave yesterday."

"Shue didn't assign anything yesterday." _Or did he? _Puck scratched his head, trying to remember.

"Okay Peter Callaghan, let's get you to practice." Puck had no idea who that was, so he just followed Mercedes out the door.

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><p>"Ok guys, who's going first?"<p>

That was the first thing Puck heard Mr. Shue ask as he entered the choir room. He saw people look at him expectantly, but since he didn't even _know _about this assignment, he just shook his head and took an empty seat in the first row. He noticed Rachel looking at him with a mix of hate and guilt in her eyes.

"I have a song, Mr. Shue."

Mr. Shue clapped his hands together and went to take a seat next to Mike where he and Matt were sitting and whispering to each other. "That's great, B. Let's hear it."

Puck watched Rachel's face and movements as she went to discuss something with the band and pick up an acoustic guitar.

"Umm, so I guess this uh, where I'm at right now." She looked at Puck and began to strum on her guitar.

_I hate the world today_

_You're so good to me_

_I know but I can't change_

_Tried to tell you_

_But you look at me like maybe_

_I'm an angel underneath_

_Innocent and sweet_

Rachel shot Puck a look before she started to sing again.

_Yesterday I cried_

_Must have been relieved to see_

_The softer side_

_I can understand how you'd be so confused_

_I don't envy you_

_I'm a little bit of everything_

_All rolled into one_

_I'm a bitch, I'm a lover _

_I'm a child, I'm a mother _

_I'm a sinner, I'm a saint _

_I do not feel ashamed _

_I'm your hell, I'm your dream _

_I'm nothing in between _

_You know you wouldn't want it any other way_

Some Gleeks started to clap and the girls began to harmonize, but Puck still kept his attention focused on Rachel.

_So take me as I am _

_This may mean _

_You'll have to be a stronger man _

_Rest assured that _

_When I start to make you nervous _

_And I'm going to extremes _

_Tomorrow I will change _

_And today won't mean a thing_

_I'm a bitch, I'm a lover_

_I'm a child, I'm a mother _

_I'm a sinner, I'm a saint _

_I do not feel ashamed _

_I'm your hell, I'm your dream _

_I'm nothing in between _

_You know you wouldn't want it any other way_

_Just when you think, you got me figured out _

_The season's already changing _

_I think it's cool, you do what you do _

_And don't try to save me_

Rachel looked around the room, but the last verse was aimed at Puck along with a ticked up eyebrow.

_I'm a bitch, I'm a lover _

_I'm a child, I'm a mother _

_I'm a sinner, I'm a saint _

_I do not feel ashamed _

_I'm your hell, I'm your dream _

_I'm nothing in between _

_You know you wouldn't want it any other way_

_I'm a bitch, I'm a tease _

_I'm a goddess on my knees _

_When you hurt, when you suffer _

_I'm your angel undercover _

_I've been numb, I'm revived _

_Can't say I'm not alive _

_You know I wouldn't want it any other way_

Rachel finished her song with a menacing glare sent in Puck's direction. Everyone else in the room was oblivious to the death stare being launched across the room and all started to chat aimlessly about the performance until Mr. Shue called for everyone to take a seat.

"Okay, okay. Calm down you guys. B, that was a very," Mr. Shue closed his mouth thinking of an appropriate compliment, "entertaining, but I want to hear you sing something else. I was thinking about letting you and Quinn be co-leads. You both have different performing styles, but you are both very talented. I expect a different song sometime this week."

Rachel rolled her eyes, but nodded and went back to her seat to sit down. Artie got up at some point to sing some Goth song about embracing yourself or something, but Puck wasn't listening. He was still thinking about Rachel's performance. _What the hell were all those looks about?_

Puck was yanked from his thoughts when Mr. Shuester started talking again. "Well guys, I am very confident about Sectionals this year! We have about a month and a half to prepare and I have tons of great ideas. Speaking of, Noah and B," the teacher looked at the two teens to make sure he had their attention. "Can I see the both of you after I let everyone else go?"

Rachel and Puck both nodded and everyone looked around curiously.

"The rest of you are dismissed! I hope to hear some great solos this coming week." Everyone got up to leave, but he just sat in his chair. When he saw Rachel get up to approach the teacher he lazily stood to take part in the conversation.

"I wanted to speak to you guys about the leads." Puck looked over at Rachel to see her nodding with an extremely bored expression on her face. "I am starting to have my doubts about Quinn's voice and how well it meshes with yours, Noah. So it got me thinking, and I think that the two of you should have a duet at Sectionals."

Puck noticed that the teacher was looking at him as if waiting for an argument. He snuck a glance at Rachel and she was wearing the same expression. "Oh, yeah, sure. I think that will work." Noah stuttered out.

"Excellent. Okay you two are free to go." Mr. Shue turned towards the piano to rifle through some sheet music. Puck looked around for Rachel, but she was already walking through the doorway. Puck yelled a "goodbye" over his shoulder and ran to catch up with the small Cheerio.

"Rachel! Wait up!" Puck shouted while hiking his backpack strap higher up on his shoulder.

Rachel paused in the middle of the hall, but did not turn around to look at him. "What do you want, Puckerman?"

Puck jogged over to stand in front of her. "What was that song about, Rachel?" He noticed that she didn't even reprimand him for not calling her by her nickname.

"Don't pretend like you don't know." Rachel looked down at her hands.

"Please tell me. I-I can't remember." Puck pleaded with her, trying to obstruct her line of sight.

"Okay, you wanna play stupid?" She bit out at him. "When you found me yesterday, I was a mess. But I don't know what I was thinking, so you better not fucking tell anyone."

"Wha-"

Rachel cut him off. "And I don't know why I kissed you back, but you shouldn't have broken up with Quinn. I don't need anyone." She was about to run off when he grabbed her arm.

"I didn't break up with Quinn for you. I don't know what the fuck happened yesterday, but I broke up with Quinn for _me_."

The Cheerio pulled her arm from his grasp and turned to leave again. "Sure you did. But you might as well try to battle it out with Finn to get her back, because I don't need you or your pity."

Puck just rolled his eyes and let her walk away self-righteously. He wanted nothing to fucking do with Quinn, _especially_ if she was Finn-like.

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><p>Puck made his way out the parking lot and hopped in his nice new truck to go home. He was so busy thinking about everything Rachel said, that he didn't notice that he had gone to his house instead of Rachel's.<p>

_Ugh this shit is so twisted._ Puck was approaching his house and he looked in the front window. He could see his little sister doing homework at the kitchen table while his mom sat next to her doing the bills. If he squinted, he could make out Rachel's form by the stove. She looked as if she were cooking dinner.

A car horn sounded behind Puck and he turned in his seat to flip off the jackass who had honked. He didn't see Rachel coming to the window to see what was happening outside of her house. When Puck saw who was behind the wheel he froze.

The man parked behind him across the street from his house and started to get out of his car. Puck quickly looked around for a parking space, because he had to prevent this shit from happening.

The man was halfway to the door when Puck called out to him.

"Hey dickhead, get the fuck away from this house. No one ever wants to see your fucking face ever again!" Puck was fuming as he approached his father, who he had not seen in about seven years.

Puck could see he his father tense up as he turned around to see who was talking to him.

"I don't think you know what you are talking about, boy. This is my house and my family."

Puck was so angry he felt as if his head was about to explode. "I know exactly what I'm talking about, you son of a bitch." Puck looked behind Eli when he heard the door open. Rachel was standing there with a stony expression and a bat in her hands. Puck was glad that she was at least _prepared._

Puck was not the only one who heard Rachel's appearance, though. Eli turned around, and when he saw Rachel a tear formed in his eye and he took a step towards her. "Oh, my Rachel."

Puck had forgotten momentarily that this man was not his father in this world. He was still the same man though, and he had done the same things.

Without much thought, Puck lunged on the man and tackled him to the ground. He punched him twice in the jaw before Eli had understood what had happened. The older man pushed Puck off of him and scrambled to the other side of the lawn.

"You must be Rachel's boyfriend. Thank you for taking care of my baby girl." Eli held out his hand to Puck, but the teenager just spit at his feet.

"You are not my father! You are nothing but a monster, and I never want to see your face again!" Both men looked to the porch where Rachel was standing. There were tears streaming down her face and she was having difficulty breathing.

Eli took a step in her direction, but Puck shot him a glare. Instead, he walked towards her and folded her up into his arms so that she could not be seen by Eli. He could feel a wet patch growing on his shirt as he cried.

"Get out of here," he spit at the old man. "If I ever catch you here again, I swear to God I'll…" Puck couldn't even finish. He just looked at his father and waited for him to leave.

"I just want to apologize. I just want my family back." Eli said quietly. He turned around and got back into his car, driving off into the night.

Puck wanted nothing more than to hunt him down and kill him, but right now his concerns were for with the crying girl in his arms.

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><p><strong>Love it? Hate it? Let me know! REVIEW!<strong>

**The song was Bitch by Meredith Brooks. Lots of people think of Quinn when they hear it, but I feel like in this alternate universe it fits quite well.**

**Speaking of alternate universe... I hope no one was _too_ confused! (Here is the key just in case you are...)**

**Puck into Rachel, Rachel into Puck.**

**Finn into Quinn, Quinn into Finn.**

**Kurt into Mercedes, Mercedes into Kurt.**

**Artie into Tina, Tina into Artie.**

**Matt into Santana, Santana into Matt.**

**Mike into Brittany, Brittany into Mike. **

**Better? Everyone out of the Glee Club is still the same. **

**For anyone who doesn't know who Peter Callaghan is, he is a character from the movie _While You Were Sleeping_ and he loses his memory. Great chick-flick. Totally recommend it.**

**I will probably be updating my other stories very soon. Be on the lookout. **

**REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**

**xoxo Brooke **


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